Confession. I love cable television. Specifically, I love the late-night channel surf that takes you to places you didn't need to go. At one point last year, I stumbled upon an English-language Japanese news channel. Recently, it was a random encounter with the Discovery Channel that introduced me to Expedition, seemingly a spin-off of other expedition-type shows. The twist with this one? We're huntin' cryptids!
Would I have ever clicked on this show on an app? You can't make me admit to a yes, so let's go with no. But hitting it right in the middle while they have a drone out looking for Skunk Apes in the middle of the Everglades? Let's do it.
So, yeah, that's how we got here—researching cryptids on Wikipedia and coming up with my personal top 5. On to the cryptids!
5. Skunk Ape
Real Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Love the name, but seems very unlikely. If there's one thing I know about Florida, specifically the swampy regions, if there's a wild animal out there that would look great on your wall, they'll have found a way to bag and tag it. Technically, this is a Bigfoot offshoot, but I appreciate that the differentiating factor is smell. "Sasquatch? Yeah, we got one of those down here, but he STINKS!"
4. Loveland Frog
Real Rating: 2 out of 5
A roughly 4-foot-tall humanoid frog hailing from Loveland, Ohio (home of Jerry Springer!), who's seen on the side of the road or near poorly lit bridges, comes in at number 4 based mostly on peculiarity.
There's even one report out there that the frog had a wand held above his big ol' frog head. That's genuinely terrifying! If I saw Bigfoot, I'd say, "Hey, it's Bigfoot!" If I saw a 4-foot-tall humanoid frog with a magic wand? I'd say nothing as I sprinted away and left you, dear reader, to deal with the frog wizard.
3. Mothman
Real Rating: 4 out of 5
I love everything about the Mothman. Described as a slender, 7-foot-tall man with white wings and glowing eyes, he's never really been described as a moth. Does it matter? No! Mothman!
1966 was the first sighting, and the newspaper headline was "Couples See Man-Sized Bird ... Creature ... Something." The mystery. The intrigue! Mothman is now a local icon, with Point Pleasant, WV, hosting a yearly festival that draws 10-12,000 people. I now feel a deep sense of regret that I've never been to the Mothman Festival.
Long live the Mothman!
2. Jersey Devil
Real Rating: 3 out of 5
West Virginia has a moth, Florida has a stinky bear, and New Jersey has the devil. Fitting! The Jersey Devil goes back to the 1700s and is thought to live in the Pine Barrens in South Jersey. Its description seems varied, but it is consistently identified as a biped with hooves, wings, and a horse or goat-like head.
The short version of the story goes that a mother cursed her 13th child in the womb, who can blame her? That child became the Jersey Devil and haunts the tri-state area to this day!
More importantly, in 1909, a wave of sightings sparked fear across the area. We're talking trolley attacks, police discharging their firearms at the Jersey Devil, and schools closing in New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Delaware. The Philadelphia Zoo even put out a $10k reward for its capture, which is over $300k in today's dollars!
Then someone showed up with a Kangaroo equipped with artificial claws or wings, which is perfectly Philly in every single way.
1. Bigfoot
Real Rating: 5 out of 5
This feels unfair because Bigfoot is real.
He (they?) has been seen everywhere. The Patterson-Gimlin film exists. The FBI said he doesn't exist.
Take all of those things and put them in a big, hairy pot, and what do you get? A real cryptid!
Movie of the Week
Eastern Condors
Sammo Hung takes on the Vietnam War, and the result is magnificent. A lot is going on here, but I want to focus on one part. SPOILERS!
There's a guy who constantly has a ciggy hanging out of his mouth, played up for comedic effect. At one point, he comes out from under water with the dart still in his lips. Very fun.
THEN, we get to Act III, and as this character is having his hero moment, he reveals that he got this half-cig from a friend and promised to carry it with him. Only as he gets ready to go down in a blaze of glory does he light the heater (somehow), and we should all be lucky to go that way.
Ja Morant of the Week
He's back! Am I a little embarrassed that my mental well-being is tied to a mercurial (being nice) 26-year-old who makes more money each year than I'll make in my life? A little.
But did you see it? Sunday against the Magic was beautiful. Contorting the 9 other players on the court to his whim, creating space for himself and others with a blend of passing and handling that made him who he is.
Then he says he wants to be a Grizzly, and references the tattoo on his back, a Grizzlies logo. So here we are.
Just when I thought I was out, he pulls me back in.
Joke of the Week
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.
The nurse asked the rabbit, "What is your blood type?"
"I am probably a type O," said the rabbit.
Dumbass of the Week
"They're not there for us on Iceland. That I can tell you. Our stock market took the first dip yesterday because of Iceland. So Iceland has already cost us a lot of money."
- Our president speaking about Greenland